The Ballad of Pickles McSmitey
by E. James Todd
Summary: Great are the deeds and numerous the tales of the fabled warriors of the Age of Legends, but they are each of them dwarfed by the shining star of Pickles McSmitey. This parody story is based on the Wheel of Time universe; all Wheel of Time content is copyright Robert Jordan, Brandon Sanderson, and Tor Books.
1. Chapter 1

Their were many Heros of the Horn and all of them were great heros and warriors but noone was as great as the legendary Pickles McSmitey. If you have not heard of him it is because this is why.

Pickles McSmitey was borned in the 2st Age the age of Legends he was a third firstborn son to his proud father and mother. His family was the poorest in the whole westland and when he was from the time of babyhood he grew up knowing his father and mother and older sister and brother was very sad all the time. When he asked them why they said "it is because we are poor and all have only one bed and our tummies hurt from no food." and Pickles

was determined to do something about it he said I will become great hero and then you will be proud and not hungry because we will have food." And then his parents were happy because he was going to be a great hearo but then they were sad because they were hungry. So his father told him "son come eat your food" and Pickles didn't wont to at first because he was so tired of being poor and eating the bad food but then he said "okay" and ate it. Because all they had to eat was pickles because they were so poor. And this is how Pickles got his name because he turns his symbols of hunger drive into his identity like Batman but with food.

And so that is how Pickles got his name. But not how he gets McSmitey because that comes later.

So Pickles ate his food and also potatoes because they were all they his family could find in the city. And he listens to the stories he would hear every day of all the other heroes of the stories like Birgitte and Gaidal Cain and other people too, and he was like "that is so cool I can do too!" so he trained everyday to become the best he could. He would find knives and reeds and rulers and fire pokers and brooms and pens and pencils and sticks and rocks and he would practice with them to be the best he could. Even his teachers noticed he was always listens to the stories and they cautioned him "you'll will stab someone's eyes out one day." But Pickles promised he would be very careful only practice with adult superstition and so the teachers were not happy but they said okay because he promised.

Meanwhile a traveling swordsman was traveling as he traveled through the farms near where he lived (he lived near the city but not in it like near the walls) and saw young Pickles practicing one day by a tree in a field by some cows (also his family were poor farmers and he was supposed to be milking the cows). He said "that is so irresponsible a thing to do but he is good at swinging a stick and hitting things." He thought to himself "Maybe he can be a good soldier or mercenary if he had someone to train him," but then he thought to him "naaaah I'm old and tired and I don't want to have an apprentice." So he kept going for now…

But now Pickles did know anything about this since it was his dinnertime and he was called in for dinner. So he was sitting around with his family at the table and they ate cabbages and pickles because tonight they only could find cabbages and they had so many pickles to eat. And Pickles whose name wasn't Pickles yet but that's how we know him now said "I'm going to be the great swordsmen when I grow up." And his father laughed at him said "boy my son you'll poke someone's eyes out with talk like those words." And Pickles got a chill up his goosebumps like a premonition or a really sudden cold shower because he heard it before. But after dinner his older sister was like "you should totally do" because she looks up to him even though she's older but Pickles is also tall.

So next day at school! Pickles was eating lunch at school with his best friend who we know through history as The man who helped Pickles because they always ate together and he would soon be come the push Pickles needed to start his great warrior name title. And they were eating food and there was a bully who decided he could scare Pickles into giving him his lunche moneye (the e's are there because it was old times like the age of legends). But Pickles said "all i have are pickles and the bully said ok fine" and turned on his friend! But Pickles said "no you can[t do that" and the bull said "haha what are you going to do stop me?" and Pickles said "yes" he said nothing but the bullies eyes grew wide with fear. Because out of nowhere Pickles's sister comes to the rescue, twist ending! but no not really it was still Pickles. He stood up and the bully rans away and Pickles nod like a hero he would be one day. He helped his friend off the ground at school and he said "I'm so happy to have you as my frined" and Pickles was smiling "yes I agree."

And then a tap on his shoulder! Pickles turned at it was the swordsman from earlier! But Pickles didn't know him he was just an old man and Pickles thought he was in trouble. and so imagine his surprise when the old man smiled and said "hello Pickles" and Pickles didn't know what to say because he was shy at first so he just waved. Adn the old man said "you show strong of carecter to stand up for your friend like that." To witch Pickles said

"He is my friend and that boy was bully so it was right."

And the old man says "but what if that boy tried to beat up your friend"

And Pickles said "Then I would just find a stick or rock and defend my friend self because I will be a hero!"

So the old man said "you should come with me there is great danger to the kingdom and only you can help to stop it. Especially if you want To be a hero."

And Pickles said "but how will I help stop?"

And the old man said "you know the Dragon Reborn?"

And Pickles said "well duh everyone does."

And the old man said "It's like that but different just trust me."

And the two of them left the school but because that was like kidnapping the police men gave chase! but they could not catch up because the old man and Pickles had a head start and the police men didn't have cars they had horses since this was the second Age of legends and not the age of Engines.

In distant lands away, there was an evil mad sad laugh. A man was watched the world from his castle and thought to himself "gosh it would be fun to destroy it all today." But he decided not to because he was tired and he didn't want people thinking he was talking to voices in his head like he was.

* * *

 _This was a very difficult story to get right. I had to ask for advice from professors all over the country, from John Hopkins to NYU to Hamilton, even drawing on colleges closer to where I had access like Emory and WashU. This was a study in and of itself, almost my own personal love affair with this beautiful world, with many worthwhile forays into classic literature and the occasional bit of the dadaist and minimalism movements. I would especially like to thank Dr. Dean Gus, for the insight he lent into the main character that soon became Pickles. Yours, sir, was an inspired testimony._

 _On a more serious note, my thanks to user Janizary for the spark behind the epic tale now unfolding. More to come... ;)_

 _Thank you for reading._

 _-JT_


	2. Chapter 2

CHapter III

Now that they were away from the city the Old man is give Pickles the foods, which was not pickles for once, as the two of they stops. pickles is asked him "what is your name' and the old man swordsman shook his head. "You don't remember me." he asked sadly? Pickles shook his head. The old man shakes his head. "Inbelievable. I am your uncle Colbi. " And Pickles shook his head. "No my uncle Colbi is dead from being sent away from when I was young," and the old man shook his head very strongly like "Your father is lies to you on that for I am alive!" Though Pickles was shake his head in disbelieve the old man pulled his back hair so Pickles could see his face and it was he!

Shock and aweshock!

Then Pickles was happy He was reunited with his family again. He said "your name should be a more different name from than what it is." And his uncle swordsman said "well then what it should be?" Amd Pickles said "I dunno something to do with vegetables or something like my name is." That's is stupid!" he said "Why would I do that?"

And Pickles said "Because My Name Is Pickles." "So your name should be sound like it goes."

The old man uncle shook his head. "There are more important things to worry about right now." Pickles stood up again. "No there isn't! If you don't have names that history will remember then what is the? Your name is now Colbiflower."

Colbiflower threw his hands up. "There is no reasoning with you is there boy?" Fine! You can call me whatever it is you want now can we go Please now!"

The two of they crept away like shadows made of dark shadow and. In time Pickles asked Colbiflower "why my father lied to me about your living?" but His sword uncle shook his head. "He did not know I survived I. was as dead as dead things are. It was only luck is make me alive still.

Young Pickles made a thinking noise like hmmmmmm and then scratched his noggin (that means head) "so what's happens to my family my mother and father and two old brothers?" They went through the fields into the other fields and then some shrubs and stuff before they reached the city well not the city but the city wall. All the whol etime Colbiflower was had his sword handle in his hand looking this way and that way and the other way, for signs of monsters or something.

There was empty at the gates. _That isn't right!_ Pickles thought to himself. There _should be more people around the city. Colbiflower stayed low to the ground like and told Pickles to also stay low like a worm. When they reached the street that is bey ond the gate his swordsman uncle got a magic cloak of invisible out of thin air and said "Put this around you it should be good for you." And Pickles did and it was perfectly perfect. Then Colbiflower pulled an_ _other magic cloak out of thin air and put it around hisself and they sneaked through the city. He put a finger to Pickles's lips and pulled the cloak over his head tugging on Pickles's cloak to follow. Pickles was amazed at the city sights he had never_ ░▒▓████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ like a ghost town was there instead of the big city it was supposed to be was there. Colbiflower pulled him to the side off the road where there was a dark something that appeared. It was an ugly thing that scard Pickles like someone took a bunch of his older sisters old dolls and glue them together. Except this was with monster parts. the thing was Half man and Half boar and Half hound with evil tusker tusks and a sniffy nose.

Pickles sees his uncle v.e.e.e.e.r.r.r.r.y s.l.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.w.l.y.y r.a.i.s.e.d h.i.s c.l.o.a.k and pointed to a sort of cubby hole for Pickles to hide in. He used his magic invisible cloak to hide and was disappeared from the sight. And so Pickle v.e.e.e.e.r.r.r.r.y s.l.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.w.l.y.y was went over to that corner to hide.

but as he did so a wind blew from somewhere and went passed. Pickles is hold onto his invisible cloak but the ManBoarHound raised his head toward Pickles. It looked toward him and grabbed a really nasty looking axe. When he saw it Pickles shrinksed even smaller but it was snoutily looking for him with its nose. Pickles could feel his heart hammering like old Granpa Jaem used to do with his cup when he had wanted more ale, but he forces to breathe himself. The nightmare creature came closer from the road to where Pickles was and opened its mouth and started drooling. It was discussting. Just when Pickles thinks he's a goner of a sudden the monsterhowled in pain and Colbiflower flings up from his cloak to slice it with his sword the sword! The sword diced it up into smaller pieces and the evil axe dropped from the hands that couldn't hold it now and before the monster could make more noise with its howl Uncle swordMaster cut it's throat and it fell.

When his Uncle Colbiflower showed up Pickles was like "WOAH that is so cool! I wish that I could sword like that." And then the monster fell and he actually said "WOAH!" And Colbiflower looked up and he shouted Pickles's name and pointed behind him! But his normal person name and not his hero name, so we don't care about that. But Pickles turned anyway. and there was ANOTHER MONSTER! But this one was different because it was half person and maybe only a quarter wolf or something. But it reached out to Pickles and grabbed his magic invisible cloak from him and snarled really mean like. And Pickles grabbed a stick from the ground near him and yelled in the monsters face he definitely didn't act scared because he knew he was hero. And what happened is the monster thing was so shocked at Pickles yelling that he just stood there and Pickles killed it with his hero sword powers, he didn't scream and the monster didn't trip on Pickles's cloak and accidentally stick itself with the pointy stick because that's not what happened. But the monsters wer dead and that is a yay for Pickles!

Colbiflower rushed into the down the next to Pickles and got his magic cloak back. He said "Are you alright?" And Pickles nodded and looked like a hero he definitely didn't squeak because that's not what heros would ve done. And he put the magic cloak back on Pickles and he said "we don't know what they are but these monsters have been runnign around and killing everyone. "They over ran the countryside near here this morning. Including your house. "I'm sorry."

Pickles was very very sad now, and his Swordsman Colbiflower tugged on his arm. "We need to move now .I don't know how many of those things there are but if there are more then that's bad for real.

Meanwhile the unknown man was crying because he was frustrated. Voices were yelling at him and they wouldn't not stop any, The man yelled at them to stop talking but they kept yelling at him. So he said "WELL if they won't stop then I will make them stop by burning their home to the ground.!."

* * *

 _One must always ask how close an author is psychically to any character they create. I would like to think that Pickles here is a sort of direct representation of a portion of my psyche, but only in the most nonrepresentational manners. This abstractly concrete portrayal was a direct product of a class I took on the study of visual culture and language, and is perhaps an opus in the discussion of how our continuously evolving cultural outlooks influence us as we face the terrors of whatever zeitgeist of our times is most prevalent._

 _Sorry for disappearing for so long; I fell down a rabbit hole that I'm putting the finishing touches on. I'll be back to the serious stuff just as soon as I have a clean draft, promise! More on that other project as it moves closer to looking pretty._

 _Thank you for reading._

 _-JT_


End file.
